I’ve Come Back for my Toilet Roll – A Poem

I was minding my own business at work

Cleaning the grit off the toilet bowl,

When a slightly hunched man walked in

And said “please can I have that toilet roll?”

I handed it over politely 

And said “sure, of course”.

He snatched it away greedily,

But then threw it back with force.

He looked at me impatiently

“Is there another one?” he spat.

I said “I haven’t seen one sorry,

There was no need for that!”

He looked at me with remorse,

And said “that’s not the one that I wanted.

The one that I bought 

Was double-layered, scented and quilted.”

He said “You see, the problem is

I’ve got a very sensitive bumhole,

So I really would appreciate it

If you could find my special loo roll.” 

Regular In The Morning – A Poem

Why is it that

I  am ok

During the day?


But in the morning

As the day is dawning

I need to go twice

Ten minutes apart –

What a great start

To the day.


I am so relieved to be able to publish my poems again after about a week of a terrible and unusable internet connection. I hope you enjoyed this extremely juvenile poem.

Passing Water – A Poem

Come on, let’s go

How long do we have to wait?

Hold on a minute,

I need to urinate!


Please hurry up

We need to go.

Wait, I need to relax

And let the water flow.


Can you pass me

The keys on the shelf?

One moment please,

I’m relieving myself.


Have you not been yet?

You still look cross-legged.

I know, I still need to

Secrete some fluid.

Regular – A Poem

Once a day is ok – I can deal with that.

Twice a day maybe, it’s only double that.

Thrice a day’s the limit, please don’t go over that!

Four times, five times, time for a checkup.


Note: I am republishing this poem because it was one of my first ones which never appeared in the reader. I didn’t realise at the time that if you had more than 15 tags, you’re posts don’t appear in the reader. I just assumed that nobody was interested!

Fernando – A Poem

Could you feel the vibrations, Fernando?

They were getting closer now

And with them came a sound so loud,

It almost made me cry.


There was something in the air that night,

*sniff*  *sniff*

Oh, Fernando!

Couldn’t you wait that night?

There was even a portaloo in sight,



If you felt the need

To do the same again,

Would you, my friend, Fernando?

If you want a lift back home,

I’d think twice, my friend, Fernando.


There was something in the air that night,

You must have pushed with all your might,


You relaxed too much

And really let yourself go that night,



Now we’re old and grey, Fernando.

And you’re still at it –

Emitting eye-watering gases

Like you’ve never done before.

There’s no regret

Is there, my friend, Fernando?


Note: I would like to give my Dad credit for giving me the idea for this poem, and for providing the lines ” *sniff*  *sniff* ” and “If you want a lift back home, I’d think twice, my friend, Fernando.”

Even though I am sure it is very obvious, just for copyright reasons, I feel the need to mention that this is a variation of ABBA’s new song and not entirely my own creation.

I hope you enjoyed 🙂