I Think I’ve Got Wind – A Poem

I should have soaked those dried beans

Instead of eating those that were tinned –

I think I’ve got wind.

 

Now’s not the best time

To be bum-chinned

It’s just a reminder

That I have got wind.

 

Would you stop telling me

That I have sinned?

I can’t control my wind.

 

I could do with being a fish

One that is double-finned

So I could quickly swim away.

There’s nothing more embarrassing than my wind.

Take Me – A Poem

“Ooo, it’s such a very

hot day”, I think.

All of this warm weather’s

Driving me to the brink!

 

Relieved to leave the metal box

That is my car,

I run for shelter in Tesco’s

Which seems so very far.

 

I’ve got a splinter in my thumb

So first search for some tweezers,

But then remember the frozen isle

With all those nice cold freezers…

 

“TAKE ME!”, I yell at the coldness

Upon reaching there.

Nervous customers stare at me

But I really do not care!

 

I let out another yell

The same as before,

Until security guards drag me out

Into the scorching sun once more.

That’s for me to know, and you to find out – A Poem

Where have you put the fire extinguisher?

The oven’s been playing up lately,

It should be moved to the kitchen

If we want to live more safely.

That’s for me to know, and you to find out.

 

I’m late for my hospital appointment,

Where did you put the car key?

If I’m too late, I will have to pay a fee.

That’s for me to know, and you to find out.

 

My favourite song is on the radio,

Where is my hearing aid?

It is not very often

That I hear it being played.

That’s for me to know, and you to find out.

 

If In doubt, Let It Out!

Standing on the grass,

The rain pattering on my head

I feel an uncomfortable feeling,

So attempt to cross my legs.

 

Why do these things happen

At the most inappropriate times?

Like at the funeral I’m in now,

Just as the church bell chimes.

 

I tense my gluteus maximus.

My back passage starts expanding,

My face begins to redden as I inch

Away from where my friend is standing.

 

There’s just no holding it in,

So feeling like a little kid,

I think “if in doubt, let it out!”

So that’s just what I did!

Bathtime Slips – A Poem

I have begun to feel quite afraid

Which I never used to, at all!

My bath has become very slippy

So I’m afraid I will slip, trip or fall!

 

I came by a “firm-hold” bath mat,

Though it makes me feel rather old.

‘Twas on a cut-out aimed at the elderly

And I couldn’t resist its resistance to mould!

 

It has a spongy exterior,

With special, secure suction caps.

This should relieve my anxiety

When I bend to reach for the taps!

 

I chose the transparent option

It’s subtle and will blend in more.

Rushing to put it in place,

I prepare for rubber duck galore!

 

Deciding to play it safe

I first try it sitting down,

I wiggle my buttocks from side to side,

Though my smile turns into a frown.

 

Something here is very wrong –

I quickly get to my feet.

Looking over my shoulders, I find

It didn’t make a very good seat!

 

The suckers are glued to my bum –

I’d placed the mat upside down

Vigorous tugging won’t even release them

I must look like a right clown!

Bladder Man – A Poem

He comes in the night

While you’re fast asleep,

My windows are shut tight –

He’s nothing but a creep!

 

He fiddles with the latches

And brings with him, a stick.

It’s difficult to sleep at night

After what happened to poor old Nick!

 

If you hear a “snap!”,

You know that he’s inside;

His rubber glove is on –

Time to get up and hide!

 

He’ll put your bladder on his stick

If you stay where you are,

So be sure to cover your pelvis

Or you won’t be going far!

 

This poem is based completely on a nightmare I had as a child.

Padded Pants – A Poem

Lately I have not been

Getting much attention.

By this I am talking

About the backend region.

 

It got me thinking “hmm,

Maybe I’m doing something wrong…

Perhaps I should try

See-through trousers and a thong?”

 

I was about to click ‘Buy Now’

When completely by chance,

Amazon suggested I buy

A pair of padded pants!

 

Click, click,

That should do the trick!

No same day delivery available –

First class it is,

Tick, tick!

I hope they arrive

Quick, quick!