A Good Scrub – A Poem

I’m feeling very hungry,

What shall I have for dinner?

Maybe a quick lentil loaf –

That could be a winner!

 

Smiling, I grab the ingredients;

Oats, tomatoes, lentils….

And frolic around the kitchen

Picking out the suitable utensils.

 

With the ingredients prepared

In the blender they are thrown,

And I feel quite proud of myself

Because for once I’m cooking alone.

 

I hold the blender in both hands

As if I’m throwing pottery,

And then move one hand to the cupboard

To reach for some crockery.

 

But I quickly begin to lose control

Of the blender as it rocks around,

And before I can even mutter a curse

It falls with a mighty crash to the ground.

 

My mouth wide open with shock,

Splattered all over me is my grub,

All I want to do now

Is strip off and have a good scrub!

Reveal Alls – A Poem

I work at a garage

With three of my friends,

Guess what we fixed today?

Only a Mercedes Benz!

 

But my friends keep saying

“What’s wrong with you, John?

We’re all wearing overalls,

Why can’t you put some on?

 

But they all look so sweaty –

I much prefer my reveal alls.

They’re lighter and easier to move in,

And great for when nature calls!

 

I sometimes even wear a tie

Which I like to pull up tight,

Though I keep this to a minimum,

Because it gives some customers a fright!

Trundle Wheel – A Poem

I like to go for long walks

With my trundle wheel,

To measure the distance I’ve covered

You don’t believe me, but it’s real!

 

Humming as I go,

I leave thin dusty trails

I’m always on a mission,

But usually it fails.

 

It’s so easy to get distracted….

Click, click, click,

I only look up for a second

But my wheel jolts off a stick!

 

Dammit! Now I must go

Right back to the start

But from the point I began,

I am now so far apart.

Tangled – A Poem

Tangled amongst the sheets

With your tongue, you lick my nose.

I use my foot to scratch your leg

And feel your unshaven hair between my toes.

 

Sometimes you can be a bit fierce –

Why? I’ve got no clue.

But the best thing about us

Is that we never argue.

 

Sometimes you bite me a bit hard,

But I will still love you till the end.

They were not lying when they said

That “a dog is a man’s best friend”.

Today’s Meals – A Poem

I had some spiced potato pieces 

For my lunch today,

But found a chewy wedge

So then threw them away.

Roast dinner was delicious,

In the gravy – a nutritious lump

But it must have been full of fibre

Because it made me need a dump!

My family finished the cake

That we’d been having for our puddings,

So all that I was left with

Was a load of old stale scrapings.

I’ve Come Back for my Toilet Roll – A Poem

I was minding my own business at work

Cleaning the grit off the toilet bowl,

When a slightly hunched man walked in

And said “please can I have that toilet roll?”

I handed it over politely 

And said “sure, of course”.

He snatched it away greedily,

But then threw it back with force.

He looked at me impatiently

“Is there another one?” he spat.

I said “I haven’t seen one sorry,

There was no need for that!”

He looked at me with remorse,

And said “that’s not the one that I wanted.

The one that I bought 

Was double-layered, scented and quilted.”

He said “You see, the problem is

I’ve got a very sensitive bumhole,

So I really would appreciate it

If you could find my special loo roll.” 

Mushroom Vent – A Poem

We like to go for nice holidays

In our camper van,

To make the most of the weather

Whenever we can.

But lately the air has become

Very stale and spent,

So I had no other option

Than to buy a big mushroom vent.

It should have been a special day,

But instead I was berated

Because I bought a size too big,

Which left me exasperated!

I was told I was a disappointment –

My family did nothing but moan,

So I left them to go to Spain

For my first holiday on my own.