Toilet Seat – A Poem

Trying to do my business

As quietly as I can,

I fill the loo with paper

And turn on the fan.



I quickly stand up,

Now that I am finished.




My jeans catch on the seat.

My newfound confidence,



Oh, ground please swallow me up

I should have taken more care.

Now everybody knows

What I was doing in there!

Bathtime Slips – A Poem

I have begun to feel quite afraid

Which I never used to, at all!

My bath has become very slippy

So I’m afraid I will slip, trip or fall!


I came by a “firm-hold” bath mat,

Though it makes me feel rather old.

‘Twas on a cut-out aimed at the elderly

And I couldn’t resist its resistance to mould!


It has a spongy exterior,

With special, secure suction caps.

This should relieve my anxiety

When I bend to reach for the taps!


I chose the transparent option

It’s subtle and will blend in more.

Rushing to put it in place,

I prepare for rubber duck galore!


Deciding to play it safe

I first try it sitting down,

I wiggle my buttocks from side to side,

Though my smile turns into a frown.


Something here is very wrong –

I quickly get to my feet.

Looking over my shoulders, I find

It didn’t make a very good seat!


The suckers are glued to my bum –

I’d placed the mat upside down

Vigorous tugging won’t even release them

I must look like a right clown!

Kinky Massage – A Poem

I’m so very excited

For my massage today,

It’s in a special place

Where I always enjoy my stay.


I lie excitedly on my front,

It starts out very normal.

Even though I’m mostly naked,

The conversation’s still quite formal.


When the session nears its end,

I still feel largely at ease

But the best part’s still to come…

Oh, the therapist’s such a tease!


As my anticipation increases,

Covering my skin, are goosebumps.

The feather tickles me all over,

And I giggle as it caresses my rump.

Prominent Nipple – A Poem

What is that I see?

It can’t be….

Nought but a prominent nipple!


I say to my wife,

“Is that there to stay?

It didn’t used to look like that –

It was normal yesterday!”


“It doesn’t bother me” she says.

“And I believe there’s nothing we can do”.

But I respond by saying

“I’d prefer if it was on you!”

Reveal Alls – A Poem

I work at a garage

With three of my friends,

Guess what we fixed today?

Only a Mercedes Benz!


But my friends keep saying

“What’s wrong with you, John?

We’re all wearing overalls,

Why can’t you put some on?


But they all look so sweaty –

I much prefer my reveal alls.

They’re lighter and easier to move in,

And great for when nature calls!


I sometimes even wear a tie

Which I like to pull up tight,

Though I keep this to a minimum,

Because it gives some customers a fright!

My Green Field – A Poem

One look over the fence

And I can’t help myself.

Frantically straddling the gate

As if tempted by bait!


Feet planting softly on the ground

Almost without a sound.

This skill, not only great,

But completely innate!


The feel of the grass

Between my toes

Is enough to make me

Forget all my woes.

But then I have a shock

And my heart skips a beat

As I fail to recall

When my shoes left my feet!


Shrugging, I walk towards

An overhanging tree

When I feel the grass

Tickle my knee.

I do a little jump

And wonder what’s going on,

Because when I look down

My trousers are gone!


While I am feeling

Particularly vexed,

I wonder which item

Of clothing will be next!


Panicking a little,

I look all around.

Though no one’s about

I still shrink to the ground.


I wouldn’t really mind

As long as no one sees.

In fact it gives me quite a thrill

Especially when there’s a breeze!


I decide that I do

Not care anymore –

Of the lush green grass

I just want more!

All of my clothes

To the grass I yield,

Jealousy surges through me –

I wish this was my green field.


This poem is for everyone who enjoys rolling around naked on other people’s properties.

Soap In The Shower – A Poem

Who’s idea was it

When in the shower,

To use a bar of soap

It takes an extra hour!


Though my grip is tight,

Still every time

It falls to the floor

And leaves a layer of slime.


In the shower cabinet

There’s not much space –

On each side, the panels

Are a foot from my face!


To bend or to squat?

That is the question.

Though I know either way

I’ll still feel some tension.


I choose to bend

Because I forgot

The glass kisses my buttocks

If I don’t squat!