Bladder Man – A Poem

He comes in the night

While you’re fast asleep,

My windows are shut tight –

He’s nothing but a creep!

 

He fiddles with the latches

And brings with him, a stick.

It’s difficult to sleep at night

After what happened to poor old Nick!

 

If you hear a “snap!”,

You know that he’s inside;

His rubber glove is on –

Time to get up and hide!

 

He’ll put your bladder on his stick

If you stay where you are,

So be sure to cover your pelvis

Or you won’t be going far!

 

This poem is based completely on a nightmare I had as a child.

Morning Breath – A Poem

I have many good friends,

But the best one is Seth.

We eat a lot of food together,

Mainly because he’s a chef.

 

But you see, the thing about Seth

Is he has the most horrid morning breath.

In description, I fear

The only suitable word is death.

 

I swear I’ve tried everything

Such as offering him a mint,

But he never fails to decline –

It seems he can’t ever take a hint!

 

Lately I have realised

That I just cannot cope,

And it is beginning to get

Way beyond a joke.

 

In the end, when he next said

“Can we meet up soon?”

I said “From now on,

I’m only free in the afternoon!”

Kinky Massage – A Poem

I’m so very excited

For my massage today,

It’s in a special place

Where I always enjoy my stay.

 

I lie excitedly on my front,

It starts out very normal.

Even though I’m mostly naked,

The conversation’s still quite formal.

 

When the session nears its end,

I still feel largely at ease

But the best part’s still to come…

Oh, the therapist’s such a tease!

 

As my anticipation increases,

Covering my skin, are goosebumps.

The feather tickles me all over,

And I giggle as it caresses my rump.

Padded Pants – A Poem

Lately I have not been

Getting much attention.

By this I am talking

About the backend region.

 

It got me thinking “hmm,

Maybe I’m doing something wrong…

Perhaps I should try

See-through trousers and a thong?”

 

I was about to click ‘Buy Now’

When completely by chance,

Amazon suggested I buy

A pair of padded pants!

 

Click, click,

That should do the trick!

No same day delivery available –

First class it is,

Tick, tick!

I hope they arrive

Quick, quick!

Prominent Nipple – A Poem

What is that I see?

It can’t be….

Nought but a prominent nipple!

 

I say to my wife,

“Is that there to stay?

It didn’t used to look like that –

It was normal yesterday!”

 

“It doesn’t bother me” she says.

“And I believe there’s nothing we can do”.

But I respond by saying

“I’d prefer if it was on you!”

Sweaty Crack Pt.2 – A Poem

Note: This is a continuation of ‘Sweaty Crack – A Poem

 

I keep jogging along

An old dusty track,

When I remember

My faithful little knapsack.

 

I swing it off my shoulders

Inside is an ice-pack –

One of those small squidgy ones,

Maybe I could use that!

 

I pry my cheeks wide open

Feel the cool air in my crack,

But then a sweaty fart escapes

Now, dignity I lack!

 

I realise that this will not do,

Maybe I should find a stream.

Surely all that rushing water

Will make my crack squeaky clean?

 

I work my way to a river

Through bushes, brambles and flowers.

So much hard work…then it hits me,

Maybe I should just go home and shower.

Sweaty Crack – A Poem

This is very refreshing

And so much fun.

It started off as a walk

But turned into a run.

 

Over the mountain

And over a hill,

Through the meadow

And past an old mill.

 

But then it begins –

The uncomfortable itch,

Around the same time

That I start to get a stitch.

 

Plunging my hand down

My pants to have a scratch,

The back of my hand on the cotton

Discovers a wet patch.

 

Having slowed to a jog,

I trace the wetness up my back,

It’s a trickle down my spine

Feeding into my sweaty crack.

 

Note: This poem was so much fun to write, so I hope you enjoyed it! In fact it was so much fun, that I have written ‘Sweaty Crack Part 2’, which is a continuation of the story. I will be publishing it next Wednesday, so I hope you’ll be around to read that too 😉