Standing on the grass,
The rain pattering on my head
I feel an uncomfortable feeling,
So attempt to cross my legs.
Why do these things happen
At the most inappropriate times?
Like at the funeral I’m in now,
Just as the church bell chimes.
I tense my gluteus maximus.
My back passage starts expanding,
My face begins to redden as I inch
Away from where my friend is standing.
There’s just no holding it in,
So feeling like a little kid,
I think “if in doubt, let it out!”
So that’s just what I did!
He comes in the night
While you’re fast asleep,
My windows are shut tight –
He’s nothing but a creep!
He fiddles with the latches
And brings with him, a stick.
It’s difficult to sleep at night
After what happened to poor old Nick!
If you hear a “snap!”,
You know that he’s inside;
His rubber glove is on –
Time to get up and hide!
He’ll put your bladder on his stick
If you stay where you are,
So be sure to cover your pelvis
Or you won’t be going far!
This poem is based completely on a nightmare I had as a child.
I have many good friends,
But the best one is Seth.
We eat a lot of food together,
Mainly because he’s a chef.
But you see, the thing about Seth
Is he has the most horrid morning breath.
In description, I fear
The only suitable word is death.
I swear I’ve tried everything
Such as offering him a mint,
But he never fails to decline –
It seems he can’t ever take a hint!
Lately I have realised
That I just cannot cope,
And it is beginning to get
Way beyond a joke.
In the end, when he next said
“Can we meet up soon?”
I said “From now on,
I’m only free in the afternoon!”
I’m so very excited
For my massage today,
It’s in a special place
Where I always enjoy my stay.
I lie excitedly on my front,
It starts out very normal.
Even though I’m mostly naked,
The conversation’s still quite formal.
When the session nears its end,
I still feel largely at ease
But the best part’s still to come…
Oh, the therapist’s such a tease!
As my anticipation increases,
Covering my skin, are goosebumps.
The feather tickles me all over,
And I giggle as it caresses my rump.
Lately I have not been
Getting much attention.
By this I am talking
About the backend region.
It got me thinking “hmm,
Maybe I’m doing something wrong…
Perhaps I should try
See-through trousers and a thong?”
I was about to click ‘Buy Now’
When completely by chance,
Amazon suggested I buy
A pair of padded pants!
That should do the trick!
No same day delivery available –
First class it is,
I hope they arrive
What is that I see?
It can’t be….
Nought but a prominent nipple!
I say to my wife,
“Is that there to stay?
It didn’t used to look like that –
It was normal yesterday!”
“It doesn’t bother me” she says.
“And I believe there’s nothing we can do”.
But I respond by saying
“I’d prefer if it was on you!”
Note: This is a continuation of ‘Sweaty Crack – A Poem‘
I keep jogging along
An old dusty track,
When I remember
My faithful little knapsack.
I swing it off my shoulders
Inside is an ice-pack –
One of those small squidgy ones,
Maybe I could use that!
I pry my cheeks wide open
Feel the cool air in my crack,
But then a sweaty fart escapes
Now, dignity I lack!
I realise that this will not do,
Maybe I should find a stream.
Surely all that rushing water
Will make my crack squeaky clean?
I work my way to a river
Through bushes, brambles and flowers.
So much hard work…then it hits me,
Maybe I should just go home and shower.