I Think I’ve Got Wind – A Poem

I should have soaked those dried beans

Instead of eating those that were tinned –

I think I’ve got wind.

 

Now’s not the best time

To be bum-chinned

It’s just a reminder

That I have got wind.

 

Would you stop telling me

That I have sinned?

I can’t control my wind.

 

I could do with being a fish

One that is double-finned

So I could quickly swim away.

There’s nothing more embarrassing than my wind.

If In doubt, Let It Out!

Standing on the grass,

The rain pattering on my head

I feel an uncomfortable feeling,

So attempt to cross my legs.

 

Why do these things happen

At the most inappropriate times?

Like at the funeral I’m in now,

Just as the church bell chimes.

 

I tense my gluteus maximus.

My back passage starts expanding,

My face begins to redden as I inch

Away from where my friend is standing.

 

There’s just no holding it in,

So feeling like a little kid,

I think “if in doubt, let it out!”

So that’s just what I did!

Bladder Man – A Poem

He comes in the night

While you’re fast asleep,

My windows are shut tight –

He’s nothing but a creep!

 

He fiddles with the latches

And brings with him, a stick.

It’s difficult to sleep at night

After what happened to poor old Nick!

 

If you hear a “snap!”,

You know that he’s inside;

His rubber glove is on –

Time to get up and hide!

 

He’ll put your bladder on his stick

If you stay where you are,

So be sure to cover your pelvis

Or you won’t be going far!

 

This poem is based completely on a nightmare I had as a child.

Morning Breath – A Poem

I have many good friends,

But the best one is Seth.

We eat a lot of food together,

Mainly because he’s a chef.

 

But you see, the thing about Seth

Is he has the most horrid morning breath.

In description, I fear

The only suitable word is death.

 

I swear I’ve tried everything

Such as offering him a mint,

But he never fails to decline –

It seems he can’t ever take a hint!

 

Lately I have realised

That I just cannot cope,

And it is beginning to get

Way beyond a joke.

 

In the end, when he next said

“Can we meet up soon?”

I said “From now on,

I’m only free in the afternoon!”

Kinky Massage – A Poem

I’m so very excited

For my massage today,

It’s in a special place

Where I always enjoy my stay.

 

I lie excitedly on my front,

It starts out very normal.

Even though I’m mostly naked,

The conversation’s still quite formal.

 

When the session nears its end,

I still feel largely at ease

But the best part’s still to come…

Oh, the therapist’s such a tease!

 

As my anticipation increases,

Covering my skin, are goosebumps.

The feather tickles me all over,

And I giggle as it caresses my rump.

Padded Pants – A Poem

Lately I have not been

Getting much attention.

By this I am talking

About the backend region.

 

It got me thinking “hmm,

Maybe I’m doing something wrong…

Perhaps I should try

See-through trousers and a thong?”

 

I was about to click ‘Buy Now’

When completely by chance,

Amazon suggested I buy

A pair of padded pants!

 

Click, click,

That should do the trick!

No same day delivery available –

First class it is,

Tick, tick!

I hope they arrive

Quick, quick!

Prominent Nipple – A Poem

What is that I see?

It can’t be….

Nought but a prominent nipple!

 

I say to my wife,

“Is that there to stay?

It didn’t used to look like that –

It was normal yesterday!”

 

“It doesn’t bother me” she says.

“And I believe there’s nothing we can do”.

But I respond by saying

“I’d prefer if it was on you!”