Bladder Man – A Poem

He comes in the night

While you’re fast asleep,

My windows are shut tight –

He’s nothing but a creep!

 

He fiddles with the latches

And brings with him, a stick.

It’s difficult to sleep at night

After what happened to poor old Nick!

 

If you hear a “snap!”,

You know that he’s inside;

His rubber glove is on –

Time to get up and hide!

 

He’ll put your bladder on his stick

If you stay where you are,

So be sure to cover your pelvis

Or you won’t be going far!

 

This poem is based completely on a nightmare I had as a child.

Morning Breath – A Poem

I have many good friends,

But the best one is Seth.

We eat a lot of food together,

Mainly because he’s a chef.

 

But you see, the thing about Seth

Is he has the most horrid morning breath.

In description, I fear

The only suitable word is death.

 

I swear I’ve tried everything

Such as offering him a mint,

But he never fails to decline –

It seems he can’t ever take a hint!

 

Lately I have realised

That I just cannot cope,

And it is beginning to get

Way beyond a joke.

 

In the end, when he next said

“Can we meet up soon?”

I said “From now on,

I’m only free in the afternoon!”

Kinky Massage – A Poem

I’m so very excited

For my massage today,

It’s in a special place

Where I always enjoy my stay.

 

I lie excitedly on my front,

It starts out very normal.

Even though I’m mostly naked,

The conversation’s still quite formal.

 

When the session nears its end,

I still feel largely at ease

But the best part’s still to come…

Oh, the therapist’s such a tease!

 

As my anticipation increases,

Covering my skin, are goosebumps.

The feather tickles me all over,

And I giggle as it caresses my rump.

Tense Fruit – A Poem

In the fruit bowl

I am a fumblin’

Because this mornin’

My stomach is a grumblin’.

 

I really fancy something sweet

The perfect choice is a plum,

So I give them all a good squeeze

Using my forefinger and thumb.

 

My fruit is very tense today

And also quite large.

I think they need to relax a little

Maybe I should give them a massage?

 

I pick out the softest plum

And roll it roughly in my hands,

But I slip and do a little juggle,

So on the kitchen tiles, it lands.

 

I brush the dust off my plum

I soon need to be fed,

But it’s just as hard as before

So I go for some chocolate instead.

Padded Pants – A Poem

Lately I have not been

Getting much attention.

By this I am talking

About the backend region.

 

It got me thinking “hmm,

Maybe I’m doing something wrong…

Perhaps I should try

See-through trousers and a thong?”

 

I was about to click ‘Buy Now’

When completely by chance,

Amazon suggested I buy

A pair of padded pants!

 

Click, click,

That should do the trick!

No same day delivery available –

First class it is,

Tick, tick!

I hope they arrive

Quick, quick!

Wheat Fields – A Poem About Theresa May

I see you in the wheat fields

And amongst the corn,

You hide amidst the rye

In the early morn.

 

You try to move out of my view

Just as I’m passing by,

You’re so silly Theresa May –

There’s no need to be shy!

 

Oh, why are you so naughty?

Wish I was as bad as you.

The worst thing I’ve ever done

Is sniff some prit stick glue!

 

Note: If you don’t understand this poem, then I strongly recommend that you watch this very short video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SNQE4bzFkyU . It’s hilarious, regardless of your political views!

Prominent Nipple – A Poem

What is that I see?

It can’t be….

Nought but a prominent nipple!

 

I say to my wife,

“Is that there to stay?

It didn’t used to look like that –

It was normal yesterday!”

 

“It doesn’t bother me” she says.

“And I believe there’s nothing we can do”.

But I respond by saying

“I’d prefer if it was on you!”